Category Archives: Tweets From Hell

How to lose friends and anger people in 140 characters or less. Kids, do not try this at home.

When Not To Tweet

Social media–we love it, we live on it, we can’t do without it. With tweets clocking in under 140 characters, Twitter is the quickest high out there, with regular users sending dozens of tweets daily.  But like all fun things, you really have to have some limits.  Too much ice cream? Diarrhea.  Too much tweeting? Same result.  So even the most “expert” tweeter in chief should remember when not to tweet. Here are four tips for anybody, really, but especially anybody ruining this country with his tweets:

In the Midst of Tragedy

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When crisis strikes in our too fragile world, Twitter can be an important tool to get out information quickly, check in to find people in harm’s way and to offer prayer and solidarity to bolster hearts and minds in the moments after a catastrophe.  Tweeting in these times requires all the gravitas and sensitivity you can muster–to tweet otherwise can be disastrous for careers and reputations (of nations, even). This is not the moment to drop a flaming tweet to stir people up.  That is irresponsible and uncaring, showing your weakness as a leader.

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Protip: be like Obama–he knew how to send a tweet that calmed and uplifted in dark times.  Bonus protip: that’s what leaders are supposed to do.

Late at night

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Bae acting up and you can’t sleep, all in your feelings? Do not tweet about them.  You are vulnerable.  It’s dark out.  Maybe you’re listening to Lil Uzi Vert walking around the White House in your bathrobe alone with only your wounds and some ice cream.  Do not pour out your pain on Twitter.  Some pain is supposed to be private, some anger is not righteous and only reveals the small minded self-pity that humans tend to in these late nights weeping sessions.

Protip: Put the phone–and the ice cream–away and go the fuck to bed.  Better yet, leave your phone at the office and switch up your playlist until you can be trusted after hours.

When you don’t know what you’re talking about

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Look, if you tweet some ignorant shit, you most definitely will be in good company–a solid portion of tweets are ignorant, tweeted by people who are beyond ignorant. Some make a living at it.  There are even robotweeters programmed to tweet out ignorant shit all day long. But, as your mom used to always say, just because all your friends are destroying the internet with a bunch of fuckery and false facts that doesn’t mean you have to, too. In fact, if you are a professional of any kind—any kind, Don–you recognize your Twitter feed as an extension of your professional reputation.   Tweet stupid, look stupid.

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Protip: If you’re about to tweet, run a quick fact check, just a little google action.  Level up–Breitbart, Info Wars and Fox Commentary are not independent fact checkers.  Please do better.

When your friends and family (and country) are concerned

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We have friends and family so someone will tell us the truth when we get out of line. Unlike vodka bottles under the couch or pill bottles hidden in a purse, your Twitter habit is out there for all to see.  I mean everyone can see you up saying crazy talk late at night (and can totally picture aforementioned bathrobe and ice cream). We noticed that you have to tweet foolishness just to get out of bed in the morning.  Even when you’re away on a great trip you can’t help tweeting bullshit. Everyone knows your tweeting is out of control.  You doubling down and saying tweeting is cool because all your friends like it when you tweet just sounds like the last defense before they load you onto a plane for rehab.  When Kellyanne Conway, whose tie to reality is tenuous at best, tells you to chill, chill.  But when her husband has to get in on it along with all your advisors and a few friends?  Time to put the phone down.  Don’t listen to Don Jr.  He’s enabling.

Protip: Listen to the people that care about.  The love you like crazy and they feel like they’re losing you.  The rest of us hear your cry for help and a good 65% percent support you packing up today and going away till you–and this country–recover.

There you have it: four good times not to tweet, whether you’re a Twitter newbie, or whether you are the leader of the free world President of the United States and should be running the country and fighting your impending impeachment instead of tweeting like a petulant teenager. Now go tweet responsibly, or, maybe, 45, not at all!

 

How Covfefe Hurts

I love to laugh so you may be surprised that the whole covfefe kerfuffle isn’t making me chuckle.  For sure, when President Trump (that still makes me shudder to type) sent out this nonsensical tweet Tuesday night…

la-na-pol-trump-tweet-20170531…the internet had a field day filled with funny memes and every reporter took a crack at making their own covfefe jokes.  The silly tweet dominated the news cycle and it felt great to have a light day where we could all laugh.

Here I come to ruin your fun: Covfefegate is a perfect example of the danger of the Trump administration.   We laugh our way to the gallows while Trump again redefines reality.

1.The obvious: This man is an idiot and he runs the country

We all misspell stuff.  Dear reader, you know that I am the queen of the typo.  But I don’t have staff who would be more than happy to moderate one’s tweeting in order to keep the POTUS from sending out something crazy.  Sidenote, we may assume he was tweeting about press coverage.  How are you going to critique writers if you can’t handle 140 characters? This is not his first or last crazy tweet. This is how your elected President communicates with you, the same way your drunken ex did in college, misspelled nonsensical night tweets.

2. The Underhanded: While we were laughing, the Paris Accord

Trump has a showman’s sense of timing–while we were all laughing the world laughed at us as our country prepared to pull out of the Paris Accord.  China is in and talking about the importance of taking responsibility to address climate change.  Only Syria, Nicaragua and now the US stand alone in refusing to acknowledge and address the single biggest challenge facing humanity.  How could we let this happen in a country with so much freedom? We’re busy laughing at covfefe, lulled into a surreal world where our voices, so loud at the women’s march, must battle a daily war against the nonsense Trump creates that dominates the news cycle.  Yes, you can pay attention to more than one thing at a time, but scroll yesterday’s news feed–which story dominated memes, tweets, and attention? How many posts did you see mobilizing our political protest machine to address other issues? The craziness is just too crazy to pass up.

3. The Insidious–These Fools Really Doubled Down

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While we were meming it up with covfefe , some joked that Spicer would be out to defend the word.  It was a joke until Spicer made a cryptic response at the daily press briefing.

“Do you think people should be concerned that the president posted a somewhat incoherent tweet last night, and then it stayed up for hours?” the reporter asked.

“Uh, no,” Spicer replied.

“Why did it stay up so long after? Is no one watching this?” the reporter wondered.

“No, I think the president and a small group of people know exactly what he meant,” Spicer said

Your man Spicer was dead serious when he responded and refused to come back to it to answer any more questions. Why play it so seriously with something as benign as a typo? The White House has a habit of redefining reality instead of taking responsibility for mistakes.  We can’t forget the flap over inauguration attendance because Trump keeps reminding us.  Rather than admit mistakes that are in plain sight, Trump and his lackeys deny what we all witness.  Funny when it’s covfefe, but what about when it really matters?  To Quote Paulie from Law and Order, “Tell a little lie, tell a big lie.” We have seen them tell little lies. We have learned, if nothing else, that this administration will lie boldly and unrepentantly.

There it is, a wet pile of covfefe that I have rained all over.  Sorry about your covfefe parade. My bad for ruining your fun. I just haven’t had my covfefe this morning.

No, You Can’t Say N*%%r, and P.S. Your Former Employer Profited From Slavery

Christine Lindgren really thinkS she should be able to use the n word, and she’s hopping mad about it.  So mad that she penned an open letter went apeshit on Facebook to express herself.

  
Lovely.  Thank you. And thanks for the lesson in African slave trading.  Yes, Africans did participate in the capture of people’s later traded in the transatlantic slave trade.  And who funded those ships? Banks. Like the bank you used to work for, little Christine.  

Perhaps, Miss Lindgren, you can research Americs darkest chapter now that you have been fired–even former slavers don’t want to be racist anymore.  Maybe you could check out Roots with Kwiku Dog.

We Believe You

Continuing on the “success” of his foray into whiteface, Nick Cannon wants to be clear.  In case you didn’t know:

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Cannon has been using racialized language to get attention for his new album White People’s Party Music. Mr. Cannon clearly needs a primer on race, prejudice and racism, and why none of it is a good thing.

Sore Winners Suck

Despite my recent plea to educators to get in the game of growing a less racist generation,  this weekend saw another incident in this long losing season for hight school sports.   This week sore winners from the Howell, Michigan joined the parade of racist tweeters in the too-crowded pool of racist high school athletes after their recent win against rivals Grand Blanc.  According to the Flint Journal, tweets included:

“Not only did we beat Grand Blanc but we’re all white. Howell’s the definite winner tonight.”

“All hail white power. #HitlerIsMyDad”

“Tonight was probably one of the most racists nights of my life. I heard so many slurs and expressions. I also said a few things…”

Hastags with other tweets included  #kkk, #lightthehcross, #rosaparks, #wewhite.

The tweets were followed by outrage, concerned hand wringing, and reports from Grand Blanc players the they were called the N word during the game, not just after on twitter.

Thankfully, Coach Nick Simon is on the case.  He told Flint Journal reporter Aaron Mc Mann his team had not ever said that, and he would have heard any such name calling.

Looks like you shouldn’t hold your breath for an apology.